Tuesday, April 28, 2009

the whole mother struggle...

You know
I am struck, by my need to completely push my talents and passions aside to "BE THERE" for all 5 of my kids to the point of exhaustion so that my husband can continue to do his little dream of business ownership - and I look at my daughters and realize that if they take all this energy I pour into them and they waste it all by "BEING THERE" for their kids, I will be furious. And to me it is a waste.

And beyond that I look at my ten year old - the on I feel like I'm loosing because I'm stuck with the four year old and two year old and the seven year old who is really as immature as a four year old, and I cannot meet my ten year old on her level. And I htink - by the time the two year old five, she will be 16. And she'll be gone. Oh sure, she'll love here but she'll be way beyond wanting to hang with me. And by the time the 5 year old is 16, the older on will be 25. And the only way I can think of making it up to the oldest is to be around to watch her children for her in the way my mother refuses to be for me.

And so I will go from "mommy" to "grandmother" and care taker to my selfish mother, and when ever will I be me? And surely I am not supposed to waste my own talents but goodness only knows when in my day I am supposed to carve out time for them.


Sandra said...

It's good to be there for your children, but remember that you must make time for yourself. Just try to take an hour or so here and there for the things you want to do. It will be the best thing you can do for your kids, too.

K said...

Sing it, sister! I know the feeling, and I only have two. I just know the next great American novel is waiting to pour out of these fingers one day. I love your anonymous blog. I've so toyed with the idea of one of my own.