Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Thoughts flying off the carousel

Today is one of those days where things are spinning and I know that somehow it is all connected but I cannot quite get my fingers on the fragments long enough to find the connection or where it is all headed. Do you know what I mean? Some 15 years ago in art school I collaged an image senior year of a person whose head was opened up (not gross but cartoon-like) and inside was a merry-go-round spinning madly and things were flying off it helter skelter -

that fits this day

Been having issues with one of the kids. Well that is no surprise, he's had issues or has been an issue since day one.
Doing well with my little business but trying so hard to keep it up.
SAP Geek has all kinds of things lined up and ALMOST happening - but mostly it is extended family

I'm trying really hard to let it go. let them go. STOP the insanity that is family. I'm the oldest sister and it has fallen to me, or I took it I can't remember really, to keep things together.

And I'm just off the phone with my mother who is sort of being a downer lately. Not in any particular regard. It isn't that something is wrong or she isn't well (at least that she admits) it is just that she is negative and whines and I don't have time for it. And my brother is coming to town for a hoopla with work. And his wife and his kids and his in-laws. And they are all staying in a hotel one town over where the company is and my mother is put out that no body is staying with her.
Franky I'm relieved. The brother, wife and three kids stayed with me last time they were in town and it was a bit tense. My old dog was dying for one thing. My sister was getting married for another. And then my brother just wanted the kids to all get lost and go play. But I kept coming across his six year old "my natural leader" he calls him, shaking my three year old by the head because she had the train he wanted. Seemed to me they needed a bit more adult surpervision. So by the time they left we were all glad to see the end of one another.

So he's coming to town from 1/2 way across the country for a big weekend with work and I think he and his wife are looking forward to seeing their friends here. And there is some sort of recognition lunch we are all invited to and attending. And I'm trying to just be a gracious guest - sort of like the groom's family at a wedding - and keep the hell out of it. Which is really rather big for me because I tend to meddle.

And so in this I realize; I'm trying desperately to untangle from my mother who (whom?) I've parented for the last 20 some years.

And I'm trying to keep my husband out of it because some how he thinks that we should have my brother, his wife, his kids, his in-laws, and the rest of the team flying in up to dinner even though I'm rather sure they have friends they want to see and I'm quite sure that we (and 200 of their closest friends) will see them only at the luncheon thing.

And I think the Aunt and Uncle who refused to attend my sister's wedding last summer are showing up for this. Which will be odd and tense.

And in the meantime - We've gone from famine to almost normal in a matter of two weeks. I KNEW that no sooner did I take the job at preschool then SAP Geek would see things start rolling and while it is still slow it is MOVING - things are happening at work. And I want desperately to quit but I won't do that to my new boss and we aren't quite there yet.

AND I've decided quite independently to enroll one of my children in private school as soon as possible adding some $700.00 a month to our anemic budget.

And I'm trying to look the issues in the eye in regards to said child. And not repeat mistakes with the other one.

And I've realized, I don't have time to deal with family members who don't want to deal with me. And I don't have time to be my mother's parent anymore. If she hasn't gotten it together then she hasn't gotten it together. But that isn't my fault.

And somehow, all of this connects to something I cannot quite grasp and it is just out of my reach...

1 comment:

Sassy Britches said...

Oh. my. word. Woman, you need a vacation! Seriously, I hope you are getting some support in all this, or some respite or something! I came to thank you for stopping by my little corner of the world today, and I am all wrapped up now in your family drama! Yikes! :)

Good call on the hotel for the brother, say no to the husband wanting all to come have dinner, and that's a delicate situation with your mother, right? Believe it or not, the tribute to my mother can borderline sometimes be a similar feeling as you're having--enough already! I hope things work out the way they're supposed to for you!