Saturday, November 22, 2008

yesterday I was facebooking and I had seen a High School friend talking about another High School friend to someone (if you know both people then you get to see what they say on public places like "the wall"0 and anyway. K.K. (yes she has my initials) said to someone "Mark's band is playing at such and such." and I wrote her and said "I saw your post. Mark is still playing?" It turns out Mark isnot only still playing (he played guitar in High School and had a band and so on) - and he was good) he is in a major band. Like they toured with Metallica major. Not being a metal fan I didn't know who they were but went and looked at the website and downloaded a clip of them playing on the Conan O'Brien Show and wow - in the clip they are obviously professional and big time but look like anybody else. Read the web site and they are intelligent, articulate artists (a statement not in anyway meant to insult anybody else) and it was all so neat to read about.
And of course it got me into a funk. Because Mark chased it down and is living his music and I have never reconciled with myself that I have not. I sold out.
I was always smart, artistic, and kind of pretty. I was always "full of potential." And to date I haven't done anything with all that potential. And it always pisses me off when I look at myself and face that. As much as anything I get pissed because I never really figured out what it was I was supposed to be chasing... the artist? the writer? the martial artist? the research? the what? I never committed to anything.
And then I got married.
And every frickin time something comes along that grabs my interest SAP Geek has to foul it up just enough to make sure I will choose him. Well crap - I have 5 kids and I cannot afford the mortgage. I am definitely choosing him for the next 16 years.
And while I'm putzing around in my grouchy mood he starts complaining that the house is a mess. The house is always a damn mess. I am not a house keeper. I hate keeping house. I would rather shovel manure.
and I am reminded of Glenn Close in "101 Dalmations" when she says to Anita "More good women have been lost to marriage and children than in all the wars and famines put together." Or something like that. I thought that was hysterically funny in college. I had no intention of getting married any time soon.
I graduated in 1994 and was married in 1996 and for the life of me I'm still not exactly sure why.

1 comment:

Tiffiney said...

I feel the same way sometimes girl!! I mean really what have I done with my life? I didn't finish college...I never became a famous model that everyone told me to be (when I was younger) and I didn't marry rich...what the hell!!! But you know what...I do have a hubby that can be awesome and that can be an a**...but he's mine...and I have four beautiful kids that are sweet and loving and can also drive me insane...I have an amazing family that love me..well I hope they have tons of things...and I am debt free...and I have friends that for some reason think I am you know what...I guess I did make it...just not in the way some people do....remember that what you have now..some people pray to have!!! ;)